“Hi, it’s Cate. Remember me? From Craigslist? I sold you that Step 2 wagon last week? I’m not a psycho or anything, but I just felt that we had a connection and would really like for us to be friends. Wanna get together and meet at the park?”
I wish. Then I wouldn’t feel like such a loser right now. Friendless and all. I don’t even know at what point it got to be so hard to make friends. In elementary school, you just blurted it out, you know? “Hey you, wanna be my friend?” And if that didn’t work out, you’d say, “You suck. You’re not my friend anymore.” It was so easy and simple. But maybe I’ve lost my mojo. My friendship juice. I do think that part of it has a lot to do with the way I pick my friends. I’m what you call a shallow person. But before you go all crazy on me, allow me to explain. I pick my friends initially according to how they appear physically. Much like I used to do back in my dating years. Don’t get me wrong, however. It’s still their character that ultimately determines their merit. But is that so wrong? I know we’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but isn’t it also true that “you are whom you frequent?” I want friends that would motivate me physically, someone I can share things with like, running and working out. I’m not a gym rat or a work-out-holic by any means, but I felt my best when I looked my best. And I just want to get back to feeling that way again.
In the last four years, after having the kiddos, I have not been able to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. And it’s been a hell of a load (pun intended) on every aspect of my life. Just today, I was pushing both the kiddos in the stroller at Marshall’s and some lady says to me, “Wow! 2 and another on the way?” I was thinking, “What the fuck are you talking about?” but said instead, “No, I am all done with kids, thank you. This shirt just makes me look bloated.” Doesn’t that just make you wanna go home and starve yourself?
Yet somehow, in spite of being 30 elbees overweight, I’m still mentally fit. So in my mind, I still look for friends that are physically in shape, like I was before the pregnancies. So when I roam the gym or church or mall or meetup groups, I tend to have my blinders on, only looking in directions where my old self used to fit in, never even considering for a moment that I too am being judged. Perhaps these physically attractive people are looking at me and seeing someone who is not a good fit for them. Maybe because of my current weight, they are unable to see what true beauty lies within me. Ironic, isn’t it?
Two Tons of Fun