Category Archives: Moms

More Shit Talk

Standard

The other day, while changing Tee’s poopy diaper, the hubs says, “I should start my own cologne line and call it Poopay. Eau de Toilette.” Mocking some random stranger coming to ask him about the new cologne, “Oh my god dude, is that Poopay you’re wearing? It’s the shit man!” That’s how things happen in our household. Nothing but shit talk. It’s the norm for us. Most of the time we are high on shit and we don’t even know it, especially when we’re in the car, like yesterday. It wasn’t until the hubs got out to go pick up a book at the library (yup, we still go to the library. It’s the eco thing to do.) and he opened the car door to get back in and says, “It’s smell like shit in here. And it’s the explosion shit smell honey.” Don’t ask us how we know the severity of the shit, but we just do because we’re shit connoisseurs. The beautiful thing about having an SUV is that the trunk serves a dual purpose, in this case, also a diaper changing station. My husband takes off Tee’s pants and says, “Oh Shit! Babe. You need to come here. I need your help. There’s no way I can clean this up by myself.” Shaking my head and thinking, “Amateur.” So I go to help him and the little man has shit all over his pants and by that I mean like down to his leg and all over his butt. But to tell you that it’s the worse shit he’s ever had would be a lie. Currently we have a tie in the number one spot, but perhaps you can help us decide the true winner of “The Worst Shit” award.

The first incident also occurred while driving. I was 7 moths pregnant with Em and as you guessed it, the husband was on deployment. Tristan and I was on our way back from San Diego. I made the mistake of changing his diaper before we left San Diego and didn’t bother putting his pants back on. So we’re singing “Twinkle Twinkle” when I smelled the explosion. But, I ignored it. I figured we’re only 25 minutes from home so I’ll just keep on driving. A few minutes later I looked at my rear view mirror and saw my son’s face covered with shit. The thought of him eating his own poop made me nauseous and I had to pull over on the side of the road to vomit. After vomiting, I decided to inspect the damage and there it was. Shit everywhere. Down his legs, all over his back (I don’t even how that’s possible). His car seat soaked with shit. It was like a volcanic eruption and lava was just flowing out of the butt hole. We didn’t have the SUV yet so I was in a car and trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to change his diaper and clean all the poop while on the side of the freeway with my big ass belly getting in the way. I used one and a half pack of wipes and it wasn’t enough. But that’s all I had left! Luckily I had a towel in the car and used that as a cover for his car seat. When we got home, I had to run inside immediately to give us both a shower. When I was done with that, I had to hose down the car seat completely and sanitize the car. And I had to take two more showers afterwards. It was disgusting. 5 Shit Stars deserving.

The second incident happened while shopping at Lowe’s. Fortunately, we were still in the Outdoor Garden area. Em was sleeping in her car seat inside the cart and Tee was sitting on the upper cart area. My husband was pushing the cart so he was facing Tee. I was in the front of the cart checking out plants and happened to turn my head to show the hubs something and saw an eruption exploding from Tee’s butt. I mean, I saw diarrhea pushing itself up his back! Then down to his legs and started dripping all over.  Husband was freaking out (amateur) and had to rush the cart outside to go back to the SUV (but not before asking one of the associates if he can have some plastic bags to use as a changing pad) so he can clean up our son. He left diarrhea trail on his way out all the way to the SUV. He had to tell one of the Lowe’s workers to sanitize the cart. We never came back to that Lowe’s again.

Sadly I know that this will not be the last of the poopy adventures. But I’m waiting for the day that I will no longer have to look at another diaper again. Quite frankly, it’s also a romance killer. I change so much shit throughout the day that one evening, when the kids were finally both asleep and the hubs and I were spending some much-needed QT, with the anticipation of eventual love-making, when I thought I smelled shit. I turned to my husband and asked him, in my most serious face, “Do you have shit in your pants?” I think it’s time for potty training. One day when the hubs and I are old and are wearing Depends, these little turds better show us their gratitude by changing our shit. They have no idea what’s coming for them. Karma’s a bitch.

Laters Stinkers,

Cate

Moms Gone Wild

Standard

Mom! Do you pray in English or Tagalog?” Tagalog, being the national language of the Philippines, for you uneducated mofos. To which she replied (as if I asked the dumbest question ever), “English, of course! This is America!” with her thick ass Filipino accent. “Um. Don’t you think it’s best to do it in your native tongue? That way God can understand what you’re talking about?” I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard a Filipino person (one who is born and raised in the Philippines) try to speak English before, but it’s not pretty. I can see God up in heaven cursing everyone out because he can’t figure out what the hell my mother’s praying about, asking himself, “Did she say she wants piss?” when my mom actually asked for fish. I just hope he has Tivo or some kind of a recording device so he can rewind. Maybe a subtitle option, or even an interpreter. I was tempted to asked if any of her prayers are ever answered, but I thought I’d leave it alone considering this is the woman responsible for birthing yours truly.

The thing about my mom is that she is beyond wonderful. She is one of those people that’s just beaming with positives. You can tell her that your left foot needs to be amputated and will tell you to be grateful you still have your other foot. She’s just made that way. Full of optimism. She used to tell me that when it rains, it’s because God is taking a shower and it should be celebrated. I grew up thinking God must be morbidly obese if he needs to bring rainstorm in an entire city. And that he has some kind of personal hygiene issues considering rainy season mostly only happened between July & August in the Philippines. She cracks me up. It is never a dull moment when my mom is around. Just the other day we were at the store and she was looking at something. She says to me, “Do you think this perfume smells good? I can’t find the expiration date.” as she handed me the package. I looked at it and wanted to laugh so hard but I though I’d keep the fun going. I tell her it looks nice. Even the name sounded nice. KY Intense Personal Lubrication. “That’s nice. I will buy.” I finally had to tell her it’s for having sex. She immediately threw the thing away while yelling “Oh Shet!” Yup just liked that. She can’t say things that have sh or ch. Anything with sha or dge sound. So if she says, “Cate, close the garuds.” She means, close the garage. Or if she says, “Cate, you need to clean Em’s shet.” She means, “sheet.” She also confuses the letter f with a p, as with the v with a b. So, love is lub, and very is berry. Here’s an example. My daughter is berry beautipool and likes to eat a lot of piss por dinner. Get it?

My mom is pretty much perfect. Except for one thing. She can’t see shit up close. She is always squinting and wonders why people think she’s Chinese. She needed corn starch and grabbed tapioca starch instead and wonders why her dessert didn’t come out right. Don’t let her take a very important family picture because it will come out blurry. They always do. What, like not wearing her reading glasses in public will make her look younger or something? She’s not realizing that it’s all the squinting that’s causing her the extra wrinkles and making her look old as balls. Oh, and speaking of balls. The only other annoying thing about my mother, is her husband. Please see previous post appropriately titled “Aged Ball Sack” to catch up. On our way to the airport this morning (to drop them off finally) he says, “It will be nice to build a house up there in the mountains. But the water bill will be expensive because it’s so high up there.” And “Why is everything white here?” I’m pissed off I even had to answer with “What do you mean?” He goes on to say, “The roads are all white.” That’s pretty much how it is when he comes with my mother to visit. 98% of the shit he says, I know nothing about. The other 2% will make your 6 month old infant seem a genius. I imagined kicking open the passenger side door and pushing him out of the car! While shooting him so he can finally shut the fuck up. But then I wouldn’t have anything funny to write about. Ain’t that a bitch?

Hope to see you never,

Cate

Womb Mate

Standard

Awww, look at that face.

She looks like an angel, doesn’t she?

How can anyone ever be mad at her?

She is perfection in every way.

What a blessing!

But guess what?

Looks can be deceiving!!!

This little beauty is really…..

A

WITCH!

Don’t let her fool you. That’s exactly what she wants you to think.

A witch for Halloween. Once a year. NOT!

What she doesn’t want you to know is that this is her every day.

Clever though right?

To be yourself for Halloween and no one will ever know.

Guess what kiddo? The joke’s on you! Your secret’s out!!!

Here’s what really happens behind the scenes.

***WARNING! MAY CAUSE NIGHTMARES***

You don’t intimidate me.

That’s all you got?

Oh yeah! Who’s scared now huh?

Cry all you want.

Yell all you want.

Do the scream of death.

You’ve been warned, Ms. Em the Diva!

Next time you have your “babytude,” remember, there’s plenty more where these came from.

I’m just sayin’.

It’s on!!!

In. Your. Face.

Love,

Your ex-womb mate

Fite Club

Standard

No, I’m not stupid. I know how to spell, thank you very much. But for the sake of this blog, I had to find a creative way to express today’s post in, dum dum dum, four letter word(s).

I know that there are rules to follow and the first and most important one is to not talk about “Fight Club.” But in order to keep my sanity I just have to break the code of silence. The other day, actually more like everyday, I witnessed a fight going on where I’m always the referee. I hate getting in the middle of a fight and this one just felt wrong from the moment it began. I know how and why the fight started but considering one of the fighter was twice as big just didn’t seem fair. That’s like putting Brad Pitt in the ring with Tom Cruise. He’s way taller than Tom. Well, everyone’s taller than Tom. But I still love him, short or not! What’s that? You want to know what my definition of fair is? Vin Diesel vs The Rock. Just saw Fast Five last night and felt a fantasy come true, but I was disappointed with the Vin Diesel/The Rock fight scene. I guess I was expecting a hard on, but sadly, I stayed limp the whole time. Now back to the story.

So I’m in my living room and all of a sudden I hear a loud thump. Then the most annoying screeching irritating sound you can ever imagine happened. My eardrums are busted and will never recover. If you haven’t figured this out by now, I’m talking about my rug rats. The 3 year old and the 1 year old were going at it like they are in the Fight Club movie. Currently, my son hates his little sister. He can’t stand the sight of her. It used to be only when she burst out with her screams that he’d come up to her, tilts his head, gives her the stare of death and then pushes her. Now her mere existence makes him turn from Edward Norton into Brad Pitt’s character. This is also how I know for a fact my son is not deaf. He can be upstairs in his room playing and she will be downstairs with her, “I want what I want and if you don’t give it to me, I’m going to scream you to death” scream and he’ll stop whatever he’s doing, walks downstairs just to push her. Then to make matters worse, she’ll come up to his face just to do her scream and it’s all hell from there.

I don’t get it. I mean, I know there’s going to be sibling fights, but for the last year, it was never really an issue. He tolerated her until now. I remember when she was born and my husband brought Tee to the hospital to meet his little sister and he ran in the corner sobbing. He was confused, but I think in his mind, she was just a visitor. So everyday when he wakes up, he’d be so happy and then he walks downstairs and sees his little sister and he would have this look on his face like, “You’re still here?” And then they became, “When are you leaving?” And now it’s come to, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR! GET YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT!!

To be fair, it’s also partly her fault. She provokes him. He’s playing with something, she has to take it from him. If he refuses, she does the scream of death. She sees him doing something, she does it. She follows him around everywhere. She is suffocating the shit out of him. But now Tee has this mind set of, “If I can’t make you leave, I’m going to put an end to you.” Just yesterday we were playing with play dough. Let me tell you how smart this little guy who can’t talk for shit is. He pretended to eat the play dough so she’ll eat it. I’m telling her, “No Em, not in the mouth. That’s yucky. Dangerous.” And he just kept doing it. Shoving the play dough in his closed mouth.

I turned my back for a minute and he breaks a drinking glass (I think we’re down to 4 now from 12!). I turned my head around and he’s nowhere to be found. I see my little girl with eyes so big probably trying to figure out how she can tell me her big brother is “The Good Son.” The other evening he took everything out of the kitchen cabinets, and I mean everything. I saw the whole thing happened but I thought they were playing together so I left them alone. Then I realized I have to clean all that shit up later and walked over there to find only Em playing by herself, with all the mess on the floor. He ran in the living room, pretended he was there the whole time, walked over to the kitchen and looked at me as if to say, “See mom. I told you she’s a trouble maker. Just drop her ass off at the fire station. Better yet, lets put her on craigslist. I’m sure someone out there will take her for free. You’ll thank me later.

So what do I do? How do other mommies deal with crazy kids? I put both of them on time outs. I make them kiss each other after every fight. I thought maybe the thought of kissing his little sister would make him stop, but no. I can’t take them in the car, or shopping together like we used to. It’s always bickering and scratching and pinching and pushing and screaming. I’m embarrassed to go out in public. If my life were a movie, it would be “Fight Club” and “The Good Son” mixed with “Look Who’s Talking” and “American Psycho” and that movie with Sigourney Weaver where she was traumatized about almost being killed by a serial killer causing her to not go outside. Oh, also “The Net” with Sandra Bullock. Everyday I’m reminded of how far I’ve come from my old movie life of “Bridget Jones Diary” and “Serendipity” and “The Notebook” with a hint of “Clueless” and “Dirty Dancing.” Time sure have changed.

How about you? What’s your movie life like?

Til next time,

C to the A to the T to the E.

This is Tee before little sister:

And Tee after:

Aged Ball Sack

Standard

Let me tell you about my step father. He is old as balls. I know that some women are into old men, my mom included. But I don’t know what she ever saw or continue to see in this man. I can tell you that she didn’t marry for money, because first of all, he has none. But I can’t tell you why she married him. Perhaps its low self-esteem, or pressure from her mother that at 30 something years old, one should be married. I guess I’ll have to rewind a bit so you can understand. My mom had me when she was 24. It’s actually your typical story. Sailor gets stationed overseas, in this case, the Philippines, meets a woman, dates her, have sex with her, then leaves for his new duty station to repeat the process again. It’s safe to say I probably have half siblings all over the world. But the story of my semen donor will have to wait for another time, because today I’m gonna talk about my senile step dad.

My mom married him when I was 14. He’s a real catch I tell you. He was pushing 60, a widow, with 3 grown kids and lives in an apartment in Occupy Oakland. No, I’m not talking about Hugh Hefner. And no, he’s not a bad person. He’s just old. At the time I thought to myself, “Wow! My mom is smarter than I thought. Marrying an old dude so he can die soon and then she’ll have his pension.” Hey, I was 14 so you can judge me how you want. But fast forward 19 years later and he  is still here, alive and kicking, much like Hugh. And it just gets worse and worse. Every time they visit, I wish she would not bring him along. It’s like having a third child in the house. We can’t take him anywhere because we spend most of the time looking for him! Maybe its dementia or your brain cells diminish as you get older, but he just gets stupider and stupider every time I see him. Allow me to elaborate. When I was a teenager he would tell my mom shit like, I smoke crack because I sniff my nose a lot. Or that I carry a pager (remember, this was back in the 90’s when pagers were the shit and cell phones were like the size of a foot long sub) because I’m running a prostitution ring (seriously, I was 16 at the time). So I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there once I graduated high school. So now that I’m in my early 30’s and in SoCal, they visit quite often. But it’s always a blessing and a curse because I get to make fun of him and my husband and I are always cracking up at his expense, and then a couple of days later I’m ready to shoot myself because I just can’t stand it anymore.

Their recent visit was the best or worse, depending on how you look at it. I picked them up at the airport and my mom was uber hungry so she asked me to go to McDo (If you have something negative to say about McDonald’s, I suggest you read my Fast Food Nazi post). She thought she was sharing the burger with me and ordered a quarter pounder. We sit down and told her I already ate so she’s forced to eat the burger by her self. He makes a comment, and it’s not like one of those comment where it gets you thinking like, “did he really just say that?” No, it’s more like “I wish you’d shut the fuck up because that was the stupidest shit ever.” But then I can’t say that either because he always tops his previous comment with an even more stupid comment. I could probably write a book with nothing but his one liners (like that one book called “Shit my Dad Says,” except mine will be called, “Super Shit My Step-Dad Says”). So here goes the first one. “Wow! I can’t believe how big the burgers are at this McDonald’s. The one by our house is so much smaller.” My mom says, “It’s because I ordered a different burger.” And this goes back and forth about five times. He still to this day do not understand why the burger from the McDonald’s by my house is way bigger than the one by his.

So off we left McDo. Driving down Margarita Rd and he says, “I don’t see any Margaritas on this road.” In my head I’m thinking, “If my kids and mom were not in this fucking car I would seriously hit a tree.” My mom just ignores him. And then I realized that’s how she’s been able to live with this man for all these years. She just completely tunes him out. But then I’m left with having to hear his questions repeatedly because she refuses to answer them. So now we get home, mind you, he’s been at my new house many times before so this next comment was just out there in the fucking galaxy somewhere. “There are lots of cars in this town but do they have buses?” What the fuck right? And then he proceeds with, “Are you in the same time zone?” I just couldn’t help it anymore and started shaking my head while cracking the fuck up. And looked at my mom and said, “Are you serious?” He also claims that he’s met my biological father in 96 when he was still working at the Army Base. Some random white guy with the same last name as my BF (no, not best friend, but Biological Father) and he knows this for a fact because he has the same widow’s peak as I do. Google it and you’d know what I’m talking about. I tried to tell him my BF has been retired from the Navy since 88 and resides in the East Coast so that could not possibly be him. He still insist. Til this day.

The next day our house was invaded by flies. It always seems that way every time they visit. It’s like they bring the flies with them in their suitcase. So I’m trying to kill flies everywhere and using a magazine to do it. He says to me, “Why don’t you buy a fly swatter. They are only 5 cents.” Finally mom comes to the rescue and says, “5 cents? Maybe in the 30’s when you were born.” I secretly laughed. I know it might sound awful to you, but every time my phone rings and it’s my  mom calling, I’m thinking she’s calling to tell me the bad news that he has passed on. This guy has high cholesterol, diabetes, legally blind, and not even the Angel of Death can fuck with him. Shit, I’m thinking Chuck Norris is a big vagina compare to my Step Father. I just feel so bad for my mom. I bet she never imagined he’d be living this long. Shit, he’s outlived my grandmother. And by the looks of it, he’s going to outlive  my mom. And even possibly me.

Happy Ball-Sack Day everyone!

You know it,

Cate with a C