Category Archives: Date

More Shit Talk

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The other day, while changing Tee’s poopy diaper, the hubs says, “I should start my own cologne line and call it Poopay. Eau de Toilette.” Mocking some random stranger coming to ask him about the new cologne, “Oh my god dude, is that Poopay you’re wearing? It’s the shit man!” That’s how things happen in our household. Nothing but shit talk. It’s the norm for us. Most of the time we are high on shit and we don’t even know it, especially when we’re in the car, like yesterday. It wasn’t until the hubs got out to go pick up a book at the library (yup, we still go to the library. It’s the eco thing to do.) and he opened the car door to get back in and says, “It’s smell like shit in here. And it’s the explosion shit smell honey.” Don’t ask us how we know the severity of the shit, but we just do because we’re shit connoisseurs. The beautiful thing about having an SUV is that the trunk serves a dual purpose, in this case, also a diaper changing station. My husband takes off Tee’s pants and says, “Oh Shit! Babe. You need to come here. I need your help. There’s no way I can clean this up by myself.” Shaking my head and thinking, “Amateur.” So I go to help him and the little man has shit all over his pants and by that I mean like down to his leg and all over his butt. But to tell you that it’s the worse shit he’s ever had would be a lie. Currently we have a tie in the number one spot, but perhaps you can help us decide the true winner of “The Worst Shit” award.

The first incident also occurred while driving. I was 7 moths pregnant with Em and as you guessed it, the husband was on deployment. Tristan and I was on our way back from San Diego. I made the mistake of changing his diaper before we left San Diego and didn’t bother putting his pants back on. So we’re singing “Twinkle Twinkle” when I smelled the explosion. But, I ignored it. I figured we’re only 25 minutes from home so I’ll just keep on driving. A few minutes later I looked at my rear view mirror and saw my son’s face covered with shit. The thought of him eating his own poop made me nauseous and I had to pull over on the side of the road to vomit. After vomiting, I decided to inspect the damage and there it was. Shit everywhere. Down his legs, all over his back (I don’t even how that’s possible). His car seat soaked with shit. It was like a volcanic eruption and lava was just flowing out of the butt hole. We didn’t have the SUV yet so I was in a car and trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to change his diaper and clean all the poop while on the side of the freeway with my big ass belly getting in the way. I used one and a half pack of wipes and it wasn’t enough. But that’s all I had left! Luckily I had a towel in the car and used that as a cover for his car seat. When we got home, I had to run inside immediately to give us both a shower. When I was done with that, I had to hose down the car seat completely and sanitize the car. And I had to take two more showers afterwards. It was disgusting. 5 Shit Stars deserving.

The second incident happened while shopping at Lowe’s. Fortunately, we were still in the Outdoor Garden area. Em was sleeping in her car seat inside the cart and Tee was sitting on the upper cart area. My husband was pushing the cart so he was facing Tee. I was in the front of the cart checking out plants and happened to turn my head to show the hubs something and saw an eruption exploding from Tee’s butt. I mean, I saw diarrhea pushing itself up his back! Then down to his legs and started dripping all over.  Husband was freaking out (amateur) and had to rush the cart outside to go back to the SUV (but not before asking one of the associates if he can have some plastic bags to use as a changing pad) so he can clean up our son. He left diarrhea trail on his way out all the way to the SUV. He had to tell one of the Lowe’s workers to sanitize the cart. We never came back to that Lowe’s again.

Sadly I know that this will not be the last of the poopy adventures. But I’m waiting for the day that I will no longer have to look at another diaper again. Quite frankly, it’s also a romance killer. I change so much shit throughout the day that one evening, when the kids were finally both asleep and the hubs and I were spending some much-needed QT, with the anticipation of eventual love-making, when I thought I smelled shit. I turned to my husband and asked him, in my most serious face, “Do you have shit in your pants?” I think it’s time for potty training. One day when the hubs and I are old and are wearing Depends, these little turds better show us their gratitude by changing our shit. They have no idea what’s coming for them. Karma’s a bitch.

Laters Stinkers,

Cate

Date Nite

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We have officially made Friday nights as our date nights, or so we thought. After spending too much cash this past Friday, we’ve decided it will probably be more like every other Friday, or maybe the first Friday of the month. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice. And the fact that we were kids free for an evening was even better. But part of me felt a bit guilty. There’s this chaos going on right now in the U.S. of A. Unemployment is something 9 percent and there’s all sorts of people occupying major cities, living in their tents (although that could very well be the waiting line for the Twilight movie. I’m not really sure.) According to the media, it’s rough out there. And guess what? I saw first hand the tragedy of these poor poor people on my date Friday evening. First, we hit the movie theater. I’m a penny pincher so I thought we’d go to the cheap theater, the one that plays movies about to come out on redbox like next week. I guess I wasn’t the only one trying to save money. It was evident by the long ass line we had to wait on. So it got me thinking, that perhaps the media was right. I also went to the Dollar store and stocked up on Coke and Raisinets so the only thing we had to buy other than the tickets was popcorn. $10! That’s all it cost. 2 tickets and a large popcorn. Take that Edwards Cinema!!!

I bet you’re wondering what movie we saw. “The Help.” It was great by the way. I will write a review another time though. So the movie ended and it left us feeling hungry. Apparently we’re not the only ones craving Indian food. It was rather packed in there with people who have no jobs and about to lose their homes. But that did not stop us from enjoying our meal! $30 later and we’re off to our next adventure. A new Hobby Lobby just opened in our area about a week ago and we just had to check it out! What I didn’t tell you is that we actually checked it out before the movie but couldn’t find a parking spot so we’ve decided to come and try the second time. It was still packed, but luckily enough we found one parking space. The people with no income were too busy looking at things they cannot afford and buying them for a house they are about to lose, mind you. I just felt so sorry for them. I mean, I would do the same thing if I didn’t have an income and my car is about to get repossessed and my house foreclosed. It’s called therapy right? I shop when I’m broke kind of attitude. And I do. So we browsed and bought nothing because you see, I’m not really a shopper. I’m a looker. I can look for hours and not buy shit. It’s just the way I’m made. Next stop. The Casino! That’s right. What’s the best and easiest way to make money? Playing the slots. Duh, winning!

This is where it starts to bug the shit out of me. This is also the part where my sarcasm ends. I can’t understand how the media hype up all the bad things that’s going on in this world, and yet there are people all over the place buying shit and spending money. I thought we’re in a fucking recession! It sure doesn’t seem like it, or maybe people just like to keep up with the Jones’. I don’t know. But from the looks of things, there’s no fucking recession going on here. At least not in my area. The casino was filled with people throwing away money, slots after slots. It was crazy in there. Easily, I spent $40 with the hope of winning 10 grand. The hubs played poker for fun! But you see. I’m not complaining. I’m not marching my ass in downtown San Diego blaming the corporations for my lack of money. Nor am I complaining that I live in a 4000 square feet house that I got for half off because the owners before us tried to be greedy by thinking they can buy a $600K house and it will just keep on going up. What were they thinking? Listen, in my previous life, I was a Realtor. I bought my first house when I was 25! All by myself, without having my parents and my other 10 siblings to live with me so I can afford my fucking mortgage. I did my due diligence and educated my self with the process of buying a house (this was before I went into real estate). So when it came time to go over my loan, I knew how much house I can afford. I didn’t look at my future earnings or the hopes that in a year I can sell my house for twice as much. I based it on my current situation. And I made sure it was in the lower end of my loan, just in case something awful happened and I lost my job. I’m not saying that banks and realtors and loan officers were not at fault. Part of their job is helping you and advising you on things that they are qualified to do. I know a lot of them took people for granted, but that’s why you have to watch out for yourself because in the end, it’s about you. So yes, I feel bad that people are losing their homes and jobs. But I think people also need to take responsibilities. We’re always pointing our fingers at others because we’re afraid to look at ourselves in the mirror. Be the solution. Be the change you want to see in the world. Man up. Or woman up. Admit you made a mistake. Admit that you took part in trying to scheme the system. Or at least say, “I should have educated myself. I should not have let anyone tell me otherwise.” You knew that with your $40K per year salary you couldn’t afford a $500K house. That’s not rocket science.

Until then,

Occupy Cate