Aged Ball Sack

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Let me tell you about my step father. He is old as balls. I know that some women are into old men, my mom included. But I don’t know what she ever saw or continue to see in this man. I can tell you that she didn’t marry for money, because first of all, he has none. But I can’t tell you why she married him. Perhaps its low self-esteem, or pressure from her mother that at 30 something years old, one should be married. I guess I’ll have to rewind a bit so you can understand. My mom had me when she was 24. It’s actually your typical story. Sailor gets stationed overseas, in this case, the Philippines, meets a woman, dates her, have sex with her, then leaves for his new duty station to repeat the process again. It’s safe to say I probably have half siblings all over the world. But the story of my semen donor will have to wait for another time, because today I’m gonna talk about my senile step dad.

My mom married him when I was 14. He’s a real catch I tell you. He was pushing 60, a widow, with 3 grown kids and lives in an apartment in Occupy Oakland. No, I’m not talking about Hugh Hefner. And no, he’s not a bad person. He’s just old. At the time I thought to myself, “Wow! My mom is smarter than I thought. Marrying an old dude so he can die soon and then she’ll have his pension.” Hey, I was 14 so you can judge me how you want. But fast forward 19 years later and he  is still here, alive and kicking, much like Hugh. And it just gets worse and worse. Every time they visit, I wish she would not bring him along. It’s like having a third child in the house. We can’t take him anywhere because we spend most of the time looking for him! Maybe its dementia or your brain cells diminish as you get older, but he just gets stupider and stupider every time I see him. Allow me to elaborate. When I was a teenager he would tell my mom shit like, I smoke crack because I sniff my nose a lot. Or that I carry a pager (remember, this was back in the 90’s when pagers were the shit and cell phones were like the size of a foot long sub) because I’m running a prostitution ring (seriously, I was 16 at the time). So I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there once I graduated high school. So now that I’m in my early 30’s and in SoCal, they visit quite often. But it’s always a blessing and a curse because I get to make fun of him and my husband and I are always cracking up at his expense, and then a couple of days later I’m ready to shoot myself because I just can’t stand it anymore.

Their recent visit was the best or worse, depending on how you look at it. I picked them up at the airport and my mom was uber hungry so she asked me to go to McDo (If you have something negative to say about McDonald’s, I suggest you read my Fast Food Nazi post). She thought she was sharing the burger with me and ordered a quarter pounder. We sit down and told her I already ate so she’s forced to eat the burger by her self. He makes a comment, and it’s not like one of those comment where it gets you thinking like, “did he really just say that?” No, it’s more like “I wish you’d shut the fuck up because that was the stupidest shit ever.” But then I can’t say that either because he always tops his previous comment with an even more stupid comment. I could probably write a book with nothing but his one liners (like that one book called “Shit my Dad Says,” except mine will be called, “Super Shit My Step-Dad Says”). So here goes the first one. “Wow! I can’t believe how big the burgers are at this McDonald’s. The one by our house is so much smaller.” My mom says, “It’s because I ordered a different burger.” And this goes back and forth about five times. He still to this day do not understand why the burger from the McDonald’s by my house is way bigger than the one by his.

So off we left McDo. Driving down Margarita Rd and he says, “I don’t see any Margaritas on this road.” In my head I’m thinking, “If my kids and mom were not in this fucking car I would seriously hit a tree.” My mom just ignores him. And then I realized that’s how she’s been able to live with this man for all these years. She just completely tunes him out. But then I’m left with having to hear his questions repeatedly because she refuses to answer them. So now we get home, mind you, he’s been at my new house many times before so this next comment was just out there in the fucking galaxy somewhere. “There are lots of cars in this town but do they have buses?” What the fuck right? And then he proceeds with, “Are you in the same time zone?” I just couldn’t help it anymore and started shaking my head while cracking the fuck up. And looked at my mom and said, “Are you serious?” He also claims that he’s met my biological father in 96 when he was still working at the Army Base. Some random white guy with the same last name as my BF (no, not best friend, but Biological Father) and he knows this for a fact because he has the same widow’s peak as I do. Google it and you’d know what I’m talking about. I tried to tell him my BF has been retired from the Navy since 88 and resides in the East Coast so that could not possibly be him. He still insist. Til this day.

The next day our house was invaded by flies. It always seems that way every time they visit. It’s like they bring the flies with them in their suitcase. So I’m trying to kill flies everywhere and using a magazine to do it. He says to me, “Why don’t you buy a fly swatter. They are only 5 cents.” Finally mom comes to the rescue and says, “5 cents? Maybe in the 30’s when you were born.” I secretly laughed. I know it might sound awful to you, but every time my phone rings and it’s my  mom calling, I’m thinking she’s calling to tell me the bad news that he has passed on. This guy has high cholesterol, diabetes, legally blind, and not even the Angel of Death can fuck with him. Shit, I’m thinking Chuck Norris is a big vagina compare to my Step Father. I just feel so bad for my mom. I bet she never imagined he’d be living this long. Shit, he’s outlived my grandmother. And by the looks of it, he’s going to outlive  my mom. And even possibly me.

Happy Ball-Sack Day everyone!

You know it,

Cate with a C

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