I really wanna sue Lifetime. They have misled me. They created an image in my head that getting pregnant and having babies is a wonderful joyous event. You too TLC. Your day is coming. But for now, I’m gonna stick with LTFW. Yes they show you the throwing up part and the getting up in the middle of night for some ice cream and your baby daddy has no choice but to drive in the middle of the night to satisfy your craving, which by the way, never happens. I think it was just invented by some pregnant lady because she was too pissed off she had to be the one to carry the child for nine months and somehow push that watermelon out of her Pek-Pek (Vagina). I say good for her. But I was unlucky enough to not have taken those days for granted. Probably because my husband was deployed during my pregnancies, yes you heard right. Both pregnancies. If I didn’t know any better he planned that shit so he doesn’t have to be around his hormonal loco wife. I guess I don’t blame him. I would have done the same if given the opportunity.
Yesterday after hitting the gym so hard, I decided to look at myself (body) in the mirror to see if there’s any hope to getting back to what I used to look like. And as it turns out, there isn’t. I mean, even if I get back to my old little self, there’s all these excess skin on my belly. It’s almost like that episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight, where they showed her belly from carrying a total of 8 babies, except mine is minus 6 babies. I have stretch marks that not even Strivectin SD can get rid off. It seems like my only option would be to do what Kate with a K did. Surgery. But I’m in a predicament because my husband has only committed himself financially for a boob job. It looks like I might have to hit the streets to make some extra moola but who would want to have sex with someone that has a beer belly and doesn’t even drink beer? I also thought of maybe starting a foundation, charging $200 a plate. But considering I really don’t have many friends or connections, I won’t make enough to cover the whole procedure.
So I’m left with only one option. The American way. This is after all, the land of opportunity and since I’m an opportunist, I am going to sue someone. I can’t sue my kids because well, that’s like stealing from my self. The same goes for the husband. Maybe my Primary Care doctor for not warning me about the side effects of children. I mean, if I were a doctor and some lady walked into my office telling me she and her husband are thinking of having a baby, I would be like, “Well, Some Lady, kids are cute when they are babies. They also make for great excuses, but my job is to inform you of all the plus and negatives of babies. Since I’ve mentioned the pluses, here are the side effects. Insomnia, Wrinkles, Hemorrhoids, Migraines, Weight gain, Stretch Marks, Loose Skin & Pek-Pek, Hormonal Imbalance, Stress, and that’s only the beginning, should I go on?” Then I would have been like, “Oh hell to the no Doctor! Say no more! I’m keeping my bad ass body and my sanity.” But she didn’t warn me about any of that. And I’m positive she knew of all the side effects. I think I might have a case. Suing her would probably get me a little fortune but I always aim high and I am going for the big one! Lifetime TV. So what do you all think? Do you think I can win? Any suggestions? And just in case you’re wondering, here’s exhibit A. Before and After pics. You be the judge.